Allotmentation, allotmenteering…??

So, I’m now an allotment holder. But I’m unclear on the terminology. Does that make me an Allotmenter, an Allotmentist, an Allotment Practitioner, or something I’ve not yet thought of? I’m sure I’ll have many more questions over the coming months (and years, if I manage to keep the Allotmentation going). The burning issue, though, is one which worries me on a daily basis.

Bodily functions.

It is a well known fact that the majority of Allotmentists are men. As such, they have (literally) a built in advantage in that they are able to ‘pee on the move’ with minimal need for preparation or forethought. However, how do Allotmentationers of the female variety get by? So far, I’ve held it in until I’ve got home. My allotment, you see, is not of the upmarket variety with toilets provided, and we are surprisingly short of bushes behind which one might achieve a certain  degree of privacy (except for clumps of stinging nettles, and I’ve never been the most daring thrillseeker in the world). So really, how do I cope? Men are advised to pee on their compost heaps, to encourage faster biodegrading of the ‘organic matter’, but it would take a far more brazen spirit than I to climb up and then squat upon the heap of horse manure which passes, at present, as my compost heap.

As far as I can see it, I have a couple of options. 1. Develop greater bladder strength (although I do pretty well, especially after two children!). 2. Build myself a small cubicle over part of a compost heap, to use as an open air toilet. 3. Buy my shed, put up curtains and buy a Shewee. Then discreetely dispose of contents of bottle onto compost heap in nonchalant manner.

Decisions, decisions. As you can tell, this issue has been occupying my mind for some weeks now, and I still haven’t reached a satisfactory conclusion! It’s all very well if I were gardening in a remote field with only cows or sheep for company. But allotmenteering with many gentlemen around, only two of whom were my side of sixty, makes the issue somewhat more difficult to resolve.



I’ve been invited to a garden party in just under two weeks. Well, I was invited a while ago, but I’ve just remembered that it’s less than two weeks away, and I have a problem.

The party is being hosted by a local knitter as a lovely social event for local knitters to get together and have a lovely afternoon, but as we are mainly crafty people who are attending, we are asked to create a hand-made item to wear. And, as (hopefully) it is likely to be fairly warm, we don’t want to all be turning up in sweaters, so it has been suggested that we should create fascinators for ourselves.

I didn’t even know what a fascinator was when I first heard about it, but I have since discovered (thank you, Google!) that it is a thing worn on the head in the place of a hat (you know, like those funny feathery things that some women wear to weddings).

And so, to my drawing board, forthwith. First, I need to decide which dress I will wear, so that I can colour-coordinate! And then I need to think about fascinators which I can create using yarn and hooks and knitting needles.

I honestly don’t have the first idea where to begin!

So much choice, so little time (and money!)

So, I have a decision to make sometime in the next couple of weeks. A very important decision and one that has been playing on my mind a lot during the last few weeks. An extremely tricky decision which I have spent many (I won’t deny that they were vaguely pleasurable) hours deliberating.

When I started this latest diet officially at Easter, I told myself that when I had lost a stone I would allow myself to buy new shoes. And not any old new (I know, that doesn’t make sense) shoes. Not tremendously sensible black-leather-waterproof-last-for-years shoes, not bargain basement sale shoes but shoes that would be a treat. My thinking was, what is the point of spending money on clothes which I will shrink out of in the near future (see, the optimism is still in play!); I have too much (admittedly cheap costume) jewelry, most of which I don’t wear anyway and I don’t want to buy myself food for a diet reward! So shoes seemed to be the way to go.

Which leads me further into my dilemma. I can’t for the life of me decide what sort of shoes I want to buy. I can rule some kinds of shoes out, which I suppose narrows down the search a little. I want to buy shoes that I can enjoy every day, so there is absolutely no point (whilst I am doing school runs twice a day and can barely get into presentable clothes, let alone make an effort) in my buying high heels. Summer seems to have passed our island by this year so I won’t be buying sandals. Boots are all very well and lovely, but they generally don’t fit around my calves. So casual shoes seem to be the way forward. Now, for a while I’ve been thinking about buying some Converses, but everyone seems to have them now and I want something a bit different. Along the same lines of thought, when I was a teenager I always wanted some coloured Dr Martens (they would certainly work with the weather we’ve been, umm, experiencing recently) so maybe now is the time to invest in a pair. Or perhaps I could consider some Skechers, as long as I chose something that didn’t look too plain and boring.

The problem with all of these ideas is that I’m not smitten with any of them. I want these shoes to be special. I want them to fill me with the sort of happiness that my flowery ballet pumps from Qube inspired when I bought them last year. And I want to love them so much that each time I look at them I am filled with renewed energy and vigour to follow my weight loss plan. So, not too much to ask from a pair of shoes then!

Now that both my children are in school for the whole day, I plan to take myself off to town next week at some point and search through all the footwear outlets for that one elusive pair of shoes which will fill my soul with gladness at the very thought of wearing them. So, if anyone is able to provide me with food for thought between now and then (I’ll take as much of that as you have to offer, as it is generally very low on fat and calories) I would be very appreciative.