Moving through

I’m feeling so much better than I was when I wrote my last blog post, although I still had to press myself to come and write anything. Maybe it’s just because I’m out of the habit? I don’t know. Anyway.

I was so cheered by the lovely comments I had from some of you lovely people. I felt very self-indulgent, writing so completely about myself and my mixed up head, so it was lovely of you to indulge and reassure me as you did! However, it appears that a lightbox may be a good buy for my future. I’ll manage now for the rest of this winter, but I’ll definitely give it a lot of thought for next year. This year, I’m doing the best I can to manage my seasonal depression by having all of the lights in the flat on all day, doing my best to spend time outside on as many days as I can manage without getting completely drenched, and making a conscious effort to eat better food. While the primary impulse is to eat stodgy comfort food, I know that this won’t do me any favours, and so I’m trying not to snack, and to eat healthily at mealtimes. I’d say I’ve been about 70% successful so far!

I went on my snowdrop hunt on Thursday, and didn’t have to go far to find any! In fact, ten feet beyond my front door were some brave little new flowers poking out from under a tree. I’m usually so inquisitive and noticing, it always amazes me that I never notice the shoots growing until the snowdrops are actually blooming. It just goes to show how much I’ve been studying my feet recently!

We had some really happy news on Thursday night which lifted me up immeasurably. My sister in law L phoned to announce that she is expecting her first baby in August! L and M announced their engagement just before Christmas, and there had been many little signs of a possible baby since then, so I sort of already knew, but the confirmation of my suspicions was a real delight. I’m sure I’ll be writing much more about this in the coming months, but in relation to my mental health, I think it maybe lifted me a little too far, if that makes sense. I went from very glum, not wanting to go out or see anyone to practically bouncing off the walls in literally the space of a minute. My ‘high’ lasted almost all the way through yesterday and I started to get back to ‘normal’ yesterday evening. I could see how I was going though, and although I did have a little dip and a little weep, I think I’ve caught myself before going too low.

To many people suffering with depression, ‘catching yourself’ and preventing yourself sinking into a black hole must sound odd, and to many, completely impossible. However, what I’m dealing with now is really very mild, and I mostly can maintain a balance in my mind when I really concentrate and force my brain to co-operate. I’m very thankful for that, remembering the times that I couldn’t. Also, and I’m not sure if I’ve written this before, but I’ve been dealing with this off and on for about ten years now, since I was expecting my eldest son. Of course I’d heard of post-natal depression, and had read about it in the pregnancy books which I devoured from the time I had a positive pregnancy test. However, I’d never heard of pre-natal depression. I remember feeling so wholly miserable whilst pregnant, but guilty for my misery when such a wonderful thing was happening inside of me. Then worried that this showed that I would be an incompetent mother. Anyway, I did my best to ignore my worries and sadness both before and after I had the baby, and in time it all passed. I can’t help wondering if it might have passed much sooner had I admitted to the doctor or the midwives or the health visitor just a little of what I was feeling?

Anyway, I’m off track again. The long and short of it is that I’m feeling much more like myself today. I believe that there is a plan formulating for us all to go swimming this afternoon, so long as I can bring myself to be seen in a swimming costume in a public swimming pool (a whole ‘nother set of issues there, my friends!), and then, so long as it’s not bucketing down I am planning a good long pre-dinner walk tomorrow. I’ve finished the knitting project which I’ve not really enjoyed – the boucle (slightly bobbly) yarn made my hands hurt as it takes much more effort to knit than normal, smooth, yarn – and booked a weekend away to the Isle of Wight for the early Autumn. So things really do feel as if they’re on the up. And, I already have another post bubbling in my head, so I’ll see you soon!

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2 Responses

  1. I wish I’d knew then what I know now so I could have been a better friend for you in the past.

    xxxxx

  2. My love, don’t worry about it. For one thing, I was so far out on the fabled sea of Denial that I wouldn’t have seen you waving from the shore, for another, my way to cope has always been to lock myself away from people and deal with it in my own head. And it’s all in the past. I’m just glad that we’ve been back in touch for the last several years! The more people like you that I have round me, the less likely I am to sink in the future! I firmly believe that I’m winning slowly, and I can see that you’re getting there too. Those things combined are enough to bring a contented smile to my face. xxx

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